One of the first steps in the active listening process and
in any verbal connection you're trying to make with someone including your new
boss your new boyfriend/girlfriend or a new friend in general, is to build
rapport. It’s the process of getting to know
each other. The foundation in getting to
what your goal is. The old saying, first
impressions last forever to some degree is very true. The first moments of a
conversation with someone are the most important. In my opinion the best way to
start to build rapport and open up the lines of communication in any situation
is to simply ask questions. People love to talk about themselves and the
attentive listener is the person they want to talk to.
What becomes important here is what type of questions we ask. The difference between open and closed ended questions is a very important distinction. In these crucial first questions you want your questions to be open-ended.
What becomes important here is what type of questions we ask. The difference between open and closed ended questions is a very important distinction. In these crucial first questions you want your questions to be open-ended.
You want to try to avoid
anything that has a one-word or one response answer such as, “are you feeling
ok”, the answer you're going to get is either yes or no and it tells you
nothing about where this person is coming from or what direction you need to
take the conversation. An example of an open-ended question that that works in
a sale situation is something like, “what's motivating you to look for a new
car right now”? Even in a social situation were your meeting somebody new for
the first time, maybe someone of the opposite sex, something along the lines
of, “your job sounds really interesting, how did you get into that type of field”? In your current relationship,
“Tell me why your upset about what happened”? These type of questions lead to
more revealing answers and more importantly possibly clues to the type of
feelings this person is having, and the feelings are what's important in these in
conversations. Next we will take a look
at why feelings are so important when we talk about emotional labeling. Remember, the most important part of asking
open-ended questions, shut up and listen. Give this a try in your next conversation with a customer, your spouse or a co-worker, let me know how it works.
In crisis situations where I have spoken to suicidal people,
the open-ended questions is how I get started, “tell me about why you feel this
way right now”. This is where you let
the venting begin. It’s the clue to the emotions, which will lead to the
statement I want to hear and how I know my efforts are working, “at least you understand me”. More to follow…
